A Guided Tour Of Two Hundred Bunkers

Posted by Russell R. Collins

In my wilder moments I sometimes tell people that I play golf. They may well conjure up images in their heads of Jack Nicklaus and myself laughing together over the round we just played, but the truth is that actually you’ll probably find me crying in a patch of overgrown wilderness with my club wrapped firmly round a sycamore and a score card that looks more like a selection of lottery numbers. Jack Nicklaus, on the other hand, who has never heard of me, is the renowned world champion golfer, and is quite good at it. I bet he’s never had an encounter with a sycamore and a patch of thistles.

One of the things that Jack is well known for, besides his expertise at playing the game, is his expertise at designing courses as well. All across the world there are golf courses that have his name on them as the designer, and they’re popular not just because of his name, but because they are so well planned to provide a broad, challenging and exciting game of golf for both the professional and the amateur alike. I just discovered recently that there is one place in Spain where an amazing nine courses have been designed by him, and all located together. It’s one of those overseas property resorts, aimed primarily at golfers. With 162 tees to start from, that sounds like a few lost balls for me, and a wonderful experience for anyone who knows their four iron from their putter.

I wasn’t really thinking about overseas property myself, although I can’t say why. Like most people I think it’s just one of those things that other people do isn’t it? Those neighbours of yours that live two doors down and always seem to be off somewhere and even in the middle of winter they have deep rich tans that you pretend not to notice and secretly resent. They always seem happy too. Damn those neighbours. But what got me interested was the whole of idea of having nine new golf courses all nestled near each other. That sounds like any golfer’s heaven, whether your professional or an amateur. I class myself as an amateur personally. Some people don’t even think I have made it that far, but then everyone’s a critic.

This country isn’t quite like Spain, where apparently it rains mainly on the plains. In this country it rains mainly on the land, and as a result playing golf is a bit like water polo. You dress up in smart, sometimes oddball outfits, but at least clean. Unlike the television broadcasts of world class golfers playing in endless sunshine wearing t-shirts and sporting tans and big grins, playing golf over here is more like wading through mud and searching for your ball that has sunk to the bottom of another puddle.

So with the weather here so dismal, the idea of having nine brand new golf courses all designed by the world’s top golfer, all located together somewhere where it rains sunshine and the only pouring that happens is a glass of Sangria at the nineteenth. I have never considered buying overseas property because of the hassle, but then, thinking about the hassle of coping with the everyday gloom and access to just one or two local golf courses here, upping sticks and taking the plunge just once to benefit from a lifetime of endless golf and warm weather is incredibly tempting. What’s even more tempting is that I hear they’re now offering free trips over there so that you can experience it for yourself. The idea of a weekend in one of these resorts, playing a free round of golf on one of Jack Nicklaus’ designs is something that makes me wonder whether I could become the neighbour that gets the envied looks.

One of the things that has surprised me most recently is the price of these overseas property. I always imagine that they were really expensive, especially when you consider the added bonuses like the scenery, the quiet, the views, the weather and the nine golf courses. Yet when I saw the prices advertised, I could afford to sell my house here and buy a really classy villa over there with its own pool, views and more golf than I could shake a stick at.

It’s surprising how quickly images start to build in your mind of lazy summer days even in the winter, or rolling golf courses crying out for you to have another go today, blue rolling oceans and vast mountain ranges. It starts to make my suburban semi look a bit cold, bleak and small. Not to mention crowded. I almost feel as though the tan is starting to appear just by thinking about it. The houses themselves look very stylish, with a contemporary design coupled with traditional colours, materials and features. It’s a bit like living the fantasy without the inevitable bad bits you assume will haunt you. I wonder if I would miss the rain and grey skies?

I’m certainly very tempted to consider the idea of a free trip - after all, I have nothing to lose. I may even find that the more clement weather improves my golfing game. Perhaps I may even meet old Jack and challenge him to a round. The only thing that puts me off is the hassle, but then, it’s only once, and the satisfaction of having made it will be more than worth it. The adverts are certainly targeting this country a great deal, and it sounds as though they know what they’re doing. Like many people, I work from home which means that relocating means little more than moving all my gear. Except for my winter clothes; I won’t need them any more of course!

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